But consider some of this ideas.
How To Turn The Work Life Of A Local 7-Eleven Employee Into A Living Hell
I’ve worked in a zillion different convienence type stores and gas stations and I know what used to piss me off so this file is fairly accurate. Most of the more destructive ideas have been tried by me and friends while working the graveyard shift at the Han-Dee-Mart as it gets extremely boring there at night. Keep in mind that a conveinence store gets pretty busy sometimes and the cashier can’t watch every section of the store all at once so don’t worry about him/her seeing you do most of this stuff. Even if you’re caught, the worst that happens is you get kicked out for the day. (You can go back the next day because they’ve usually hired someone new by then.)
After moving to Albany I encountered a local bbs that actually used 7-Eleven as the theme to their bbs so I figured the sysop, Kevin Roberts, would enjoy this file for a few good laughs. Gee, was I wrong there. He banned me from his bbs (big loss there!) and a month later the Albany police calls me and says that Kevin thinks I’m threatening him by writing the file. Hello? It’s comedy, Kevin, are you that dense? Like I’m really planning to run my car into his gas pump and through the front windows. If you’d like to see the bbs advertising his employment on Queen Street, call Different World at 541-924-0313.
Included at the end is a section FOR the conveinence store employees to help them cope with working the graveyard shift at a dead-end job. See, Kevin, I’m not such a bad person, I’m trying to help you here. Sheesh!
“I have told you a million times not to make shambles of my candy isle so I have no other choice but to tell you once again not to make shambles out of my candy isle. Have a nice day.”
-The clerk said something similar to Homer Simpson
1. If the condoms are accessable to you, use a needle and poke holes in all of them.
2. Take Ex-Lax and put it in the donuts, cookies, ice cream, coffee machine, cashier’s soda, etc.
3. Take one bite out of each of the cookies and donuts.
4. Mix all of the items in the condiments bar together to form a big, yucky salad. Be sure to spill items all over each other and on the floor.
5. Use a razor blade to make a slit in each one of the cartons of milk. This will start a very small drip-leak but when a customer picks up the milk it should spill pretty good. This makes a good mess inside AND outside of the cooler. Really a bitch to clean up.
6. Paint the front sidewalk in pychedelic colors.
7. Bring a ton of items up to the counter. After the cashier rings everything up and asks for your $34.75, tell him you changed your mind and walk out, leaving everything on the counter.
8. Most of the more popular stores have a toll-free customer hotline for customers to call in and complain or make suggestions. Find this number (usually written on the outside window) and call it once a day to complain about an employee you don’t like.
9. Put a full pot of coffee under the coffee spout. Then press the button that starts the coffee maker. This will overflow the pot and create a tremendous mess.
10.Jam the handle on the Slurpee/Slushie/Whatever machine so that the mush keeps on flowing after you leave. Watch the cashier cry when he finds it.
11.Ask for $600 in money orders and twenty lotto tickets. After the cashier prints up the money orders and lotto tickets, leave. It’s a real bitch to void out money orders and lotto.
12.Sit your fountain drink on top of a video game. There’s usually some vents on top of the game so whoops! Accidentally knock your drink over so the entire 44 ounces of Pepsi spill into these vents. This makes for some pretty neat-o smoking effects as well as sparks and fire. Make sure that it’s not a cool game that you play often because you won’t be playing it anymore.
13.Fill up a Super Tanker Gigantic drink cup with Pepsi. Take it all around the store with you spilling it’s contents all over the items on the shelves as you go along. You can imagine what it’d be like to clean this up.
14.On a really hot day, get on the roof and turn off the air conditioning. If possible, make sure that the air conditioners will never work again. Be extremely quiet when walking around up there so mister cashier doesn’t hear you.
15.Telephone the cashier and start asking him questions about robberies like: * “Do you have one of those silent alarm buttons you could press if I were to rob you?”
* “Do the police in your neighborhood respond quickly when something bad happens in your store?”
* “How many times has your store been robbed? Was the robber caught?”
* “Theoreticly speaking, if a professional robber such as myself were to come in and rob you, what are the chances of me getting caught?”
* “Do you carry a loaded gun behind the counter?”
* “How much money is in your cash drawer right now? That’s all? Uhhh, could you please not drop anymore in the safe until I get there? I, uh, need to cash a check, yeah, that’s it.”
* “Are you afraid of death?”
16.Order a telephone calling card for the store and obtain the pin number. Using the card, make tons of harrassing calls to the store until the card goes dead. When they get their bill, they realize that they’ve been paying for their own harrassment.
17.Find out the store manager’s name or the store owner’s name. From a pay phone call your friends in Austraila and third number bill it to the store, saying that you’re the manager. The cashier will accept the charges when he thinks it’s the manager.
18.Order call forwarding for the store. Ask the cashier if you can use the phone and dial 72#-911 or *72-911. When 911 answers, tell them you got the wrong number and hang up. Now go out to a pay phone and call the store and you’ll get 911. Make up some big story about how you’re getting robbed and they’ve thrown you in the cooler and taken customers hostage, etc. If 911 calls back to verify this, they’ll get their own office, 911.
19.Start picking up items around the store and dropping them in the trash can.
Going Where You’re Not Supposed To
It’s hard for a 7-Eleven to make money, especially with people like us in this world, therefore they are usually understaffed. If there’s only one person working the swing shift (the 4:00pm-Midnight) then you’re in for some extra fun. Make SURE there’s only one guy there by calling him and asking. If he’s the only one there and it’s busy, he HAS to stay at the register so you’re free to go anywhere else in the store, including the back room and walk-in freezer.
20.Go in the walk-in freezer with a friend. Veg out on the beer cases and get drunk off your asses. You can usually keep a good eye on the cashier through the window but after a few beers you stop caring about him.
21.Find the back room and look for a few five foot tall cylinder things. These are called CO2 tanks which is what gives the fountain sodas their fizz. Locate the one hooked up to a hose and turn it off. Everyone’s soda will taste pretty damn gross now.
22.Take it one step further by disconnecting all of the soda tanks. It’ll take the poor cashier an hour to figure out why there’s no soda, and another hour to hook ’em all back up and figure out which hose goes to which tank.
23.If there’s not a public restroom then there’s definately an employee rest- room in the back someplace. Go in there and the employees will sometimes keep their personal belongings lying around. Steal it all and then phone the cashier, demanding a ransom for his stuff.
24.Look for the employee schedule and time sheet hanging somewhere on the wall. Steal the shedule so you’ll know who’s working for the rest of the week. Flush the time sheet down the toilet so the manager won’t know who worked when all week and nobody’ll get paid.
25.Instead of flushing the time sheet, find an employee on it that you’re not too fond of and add a few hours here and there on his time card. The manager will most likely notice this and either think the employee is trying to cheat for more hours or think that another employee is trying to get him in trouble. If the manager DOESN’T notice, that guy’s going to have a nice, hefty paycheck next week.
26.Find the manager’s office. It’s probably locked but most can be opened with the credit card method. Once in the manager’s office, loot. Have your friend watch the security monitor so you’ll know if the cashier’s comming, while you look for things you want to take. The computer is a nice start. If that’s too big, how about the modem. You can steal the employee files and then freak them out by calling them and reciting information to them. Also, security video tapes would be kind of neat to have. In the more modern stores, the cash register is linked with the computer in the office. Sometimes the register won’t work without the computer being turned on so unplug the computer and take the cord home with you. Pretty soon the cashier will be using a pocket calculator and a shoebox to ring up the merchandise.
27.The main phone wires are usually somewhere in the back room. You can slow the cashier down quite a bit by disconnecting them all. Don’t just unhook them, though. Cut all of them down that you can find and take them with you so there’s little chance of them being fixed anytime soon. What does this accomplish? Well, the Lotto machine will stop working soon after losing it’s phone line. No more checks, credit cards, ATM cards, gas cards because the credit validation machines can’t call in to get approval. Believe me, I know that this is frustrating. Worse thing is, when he starts having all of these problems, he can’t call anyone for help because his phone doesn’t work anymore. To make it even more pathetic, put the outside pay phones out of commission so he doesn’t have a chance.
28.The back rooms are filled with stock that won’t fit out on the sales floor. Since there usually aren’t any cameras in the back room, this is your chance for fearless shoplifting! Bring a large bag…
29.The gas pump controls should be lurking about somewhere. Take a look at all the buttons and figure out for yourself which ones would be most disaterous to shut off. There’s usually serveral shut off switches so shut them ALL off. The cashier will spend a great deal of his life staring at the banks of switches trying to figure out how to turn them back on.
30.Find the circuit breaker boxes. They’ll always be unlocked. Find the main switches on all of them and shut them all off at once, cutting the power to the whole store. Since it’s dark, you’ll be able to slip back out onto the sales floor without being spotted. The cashier will probably assume it’s a normal power outage. This is a perfect time for shoplifting.
31.If it’s a self-service station, the cashier hears an annoying BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP… when you lift the gas nozzle and push the lever up. The cashier is supposed to look outside, take note of the car and the driver, then hit the Validate button so you can get your gas. Walk up to a pump, out of the cashier’s view, hide behind the pump and push the lever up. The cashier will go nuts trying to figure out why the console’s beeping if there’s no car out there. Go from pump to pump doing this until the cashier comes out to say, “Hey…cut that out.”
32.Okay, this is a good one I’ve always wanted to try. Go to one of those personalized license plate booths in the mall. You know, the one’s where you make a plate ILUVYOU for your girlfriend to hang in her room. Find out what the cashier’s license plate number is or, failing that, find out what his mother’s license plate number is. Attach this plate to the front of your car and pull in to get some gas. Make sure the cashier can see your license plate very clearly. Fill up your tank with Super Unleaded. Make sure the cashier is watching, get in your car and slowly back out of the parking lot, giving the cashier’s reflexes time to kick in so he can find a pen and write down your license plate number. Have a friend hang around the store to watch the fun next. See, if the cashier doesn’t get a plate number, then he’s in a lot of trouble. When someone gets gas and doesn’t pay for it, the cashier has to call the police and fill out a report and everything so he doesn’t get a disciplinary write up. The cop will want to know the make of car, the plate number and a description of who was driving. (A good idea is to wear a cap and glasses, not that a cop is any real threat.) When the cop runs the plate number through he’s going to come up with the cashier’s name (or his mom’s) and we’re all in for a lot of confusion and fun. I have no idea what the outcome would be.
33.At full service station, pull up to the pump and make sure your gas tank is on the opposite side as the gas pump so the gas attendant has to manage to get the hose on the other side. If he says you have to turn your car around say, “Aw, it’ll reach, I promise.”
34.Also at full service, if you’re needing unleaded gasoline, pull up so your gas tank is about four feet past the unleaded pump. Tell the gas attendant you want five bucks unleaded and go inside. This is a pain in the hiney for the gas attendant because he’s so far away from the pump that he can’t see when he’s up to five bucks. Usually they end up pumping a little, running over to the pump to see how much left to go, running back and pumping a little more, running back to check again, etc, etc…Piss him off more by saying, “Hurry it up a little, willya?”
35.Most every gas pump I’ve seen can be locked with a normal padlock. Go in the store and shoplift as many Master padlocks as you need. Bring them out- side and lock up each one of the pumps. Since the average gas station doesn’t have a pair of bolt cutters on the premises, nobody will be getting gas for the rest of the night.
36.Gas stations have to take daily gas readings by sticking a really long pole into the the ground where the big underground tanks are located. You can find these poles somewhere around the outside of the building or by the dumpster and there’s usually several of them. Take them all and the station won’t be able to take the daily readings anymore.
37.Get in your car and drive a few blocks from the store. Floor it towards the store and try to get up to 90 M.P.H. by the time you hit the parking lot. Smash directly into a gas pump, blowing up the pump, the car and killing yourself. Try to enter the parking lot at the right angle so after you smash through the pump you’ll crash through the store’s front window and into the cashier, killing him too.
38.Pick up the gas pump nozzle, squeeze it and hold a match in front of it to create a flame thrower. Burn all of the nearby customers to a crisp and try to set the store on fire before the cashier hits the Emergency ShutOff switch. (Can you tell I’m running out of ideas?)
Surviving Graveyard Shift
This section is for the 7-Eleven employees. As anyone who’s worked it knows, graveyards are the most boring eight hours of your day. At about a customer an hour, there’s not a whole hell of a lot to do. Your manager has probably provided you with a checklist of work to do but it’s usually not very much fun to do work.
39.First order of business. Try to think of the most creative way to destroy your manager’s checklist. Make it a point not to do ANYthing on the list. If you do, you’ll get no praise for it. If you don’t, you’ll be doing just exactly what’s expected of you. Nothing. If you lose your job, oh well. There’s a million other 7-Elevens out there looking for a slave.
40.Bring a radio, even if they’re not permitted. No human being should be expected to sit in total silence for eight hours. Sure, that’s what your checklist is for but remember, you destroyed that. I’m sure your manager will understand.
41.Open the Clearly Canadian bottles and drop Alkaselters (sp?) into them. If you drop enough in you can make a pretty good mess. If you’re worried about the mess, do it outside.
42.Sit on a gas pump and light fireworks, occasionally dropping one on the ground by the pump, making everyone nearby nervous and jumpy.
43.Be extremely rude to everyone that comes in to shop, especially the cops who come in to buy the entire stock of Hostess donuts and think that just because they’re cops, they get free coffee. If you really hate doing any work at all, this will help. When you’re rude people go out of their way to keep from shopping at your store.
44.Make prank phone calls to the other store across the street.
45.Sweep the parking lot. Do a real good job and when you get to the edge of the parking lot, keep going and going until you’ve swept the entire block. Then sweep the streets in the area and the parking lot across the street.
46.Take all the breakfast and snack food from the shelves and hide them in the back room. The cops will cry when there’s no more Hostess donuts.
47.Go over to the store across the street and start cleaning up their store just to see the other guy’s reaction.
Proven Ways To Get Yourself Shot
48. When being robbed at gunpoint, be a real sarcastic smartass to the guy holding a gun in your face. Make fun of obvious things such as his weight, facial scars, etc.
49. If that doesn’t work, whip out a pen and start taking notes. When the robber asks you what in the hell you’re doing, say, “I’m writing down your description for the police. I have a short memory, okay?”
50. If that doesn’t work, pick up the phone and dial 911. Tell the police what’s happening as you take your time putting the robber’s money into a paper bag. If he gets mad, tell him, “Shhhhhhh! I’m on the phone!”
51. If a black guy comes up to the counter to pay for his 12 pack of beer, look him in the eye and say, “This establishment don’t serve no colored folks.”
52. When the pimps that always hang out in front come in to buy alcohol, card them. Insist that the picture on the I.D. isn’t them and refuse the sale, smiling the whole time.
53. Be really rude to the gang members. Wear the opposite colors that they do and tell them you’re Homey G Roy and they’re going down!
54. If O.J. Simpson comes in to buy a pair of gloves, start cracking a bunch of bad O.J. jokes.
Screwing Your Store Out Of Millions Of Dollars
A friend of mine is getting a job at a Hit ‘N Run store and wants me to write him out a list of different ways to screw the store out of money for himself so I’m just going to add the list onto the end of this file. I’m sure that he’s not really considering doing any of these horrible things and just wants to know so he can watch the other employees to make sure they’re not stealing. Yeah, that’s it…
Most of these are obvious but maybe there’ll be a few ideas that you never thought of. Most stores have a camera pointing at the cash register from several different directions and the more modern stores have the registers linked to the cameras so that whatever you type into the register it appears on the security tape. (Pretty sneaky) This prevents you from charging your friends’ 50 cents for a case of beer. 55.First of all, all your groceries are going to be free now. This itself can be a real penny saver. Bring a back pack or something similar to work every day and load it up with your favorite foods and candy. If you have a car, load up the trunk. Keep in mind, it’s very common for a manager or a district manager to sit across the street in their car for hours and watch you so make sure they’re not there. In one case, the district manager actually rented out the building across the street so he could sit in there and watch the employees with his binoculars. (He caught this one guy loading up about ten bags of food into his car.)
56.Your manager probably didn’t mention this, but all of your friends’ get special discounts! Twelve packs of beer are seventy five cents, fountain drinks and Slurpees are only ten cents, candy bars are five cents, packs of cigarettes are half price, etc.
57.The most common form of employee theft is collecting the money for something, not ringing it up and putting the money in your pocket. Once you’ve worked there for awhile you pretty much know all the prices without ringing any of them up. The trick is to make it look like you’ve rang it up because customers will notice that you don’t and inform the manager. (Believe me, they really will do this.) Let’s say a customer buys a pack of cigarettes. They’re $2.19 ($2.36 with tax). Hit CLEAR 219 CLEAR 236, collect they’re money and hit CLEAR NOSALE. That’s a pretty good simulation of ringing up something for real. The customer will see the price on the register and assume everything’s normal. Instead of pocketing the money all at once, keep a little tally sheet next to your register and write down the amount of each sale that you haven’t rang up. When you’re done doing this, add the numbers all up and collect the full amount. This lessens the chances of someone seeing you pocketing the money.
58.What if you’ve got about fifty dollars in merchandise that you haven’t rang up but there’s three cameras watching you and there’s no way that you could possibly take the cash without the cameras seeing you? Well, call a friend and tell them to come over. The friend will buy something in the store and you ring up the friend for his purchase and then give him his “change” which will include the fifty bucks that you’ve stolen. The only bad part is that now you’re expected to share your cut with the friend.
59.Be careful when selling your underaged friends alcohol. Make sure to card them, look at the I.D. very closely (make it look real) and then ring up their beer. (Which is 75 cents, remember?) And hopefully your friend doesn’t look like he’s ten years old. Put the beer in a (hopefully paper) bag so a cop doesn’t stop him walking out of the store with the alcohol. Make sure you tell your friend that if he’s caught drinking this beer and the police asks where he got it, he doesn’t tell them where he got it. Tell him to name another store nearby so you won’t get into any trouble. (Besides, they’ll have proof on the security tapes.)
60.Most stores have some way of keeping inventory on the cigarettes so the employees aren’t stealing them all. If you have to count each individual pack of cigarettes at the beginning and end of your shift, things are gonna be hard on you. For one, you’ll have to ring up every pack of cigarettes that you sell. If there’s something else in the store that costs the same as a pack of cigs, you can ring this item up under the cigarette key. Lets say that a customer buys a gallon of milk which is $2.36, the same as cigarettes. Instead of ringing up $2.36 on the grocery key, ring it up on the cigarette key. There, now you’ve got one pack of cigarettes!
61.Usually the stores will only keep a tight inventory on the cartons of cigarettes and not the individual packs. In fact, I’ve never seen a store that doesn’t keep tight inventory on the cartons. So don’t steal the cartons but load up on the packs. Remember that when your friends come in they get that special deal, five packs of cigs for the price of one! And since they’re a friend, it only costs about $1.50!
62.Credit Card Machines (masturbating…) There’s a button on the credit card machine called REPRINT. Every time a customer uses a Mastercard or Visa, press this button after they leave. This will give you a reprint of their receipt and their credit card number will be on this. A customer comes in and buys some gas and fifty dollars worth of condoms and a Hustler magazine totaling $65 and pays cash. Ring this up on the register. After they leave, hit the MANUAL ENTRY button on the credit card machine and it’ll ask you for your card number. Whip out your list of card numbers and punch one in. Then the expiration date. Then the amount of the sale which is $65. A receipt will come out and you can scribble a “signature” on it and put it in with your other receipts. Now that the purchase has been paid for with a credit card, you’re free to take the $65 in cash home with you. Just make sure you’re not still working there next month when the owner of the card you used gets his bill.
63.Arrange for some friends to come in and do a “beer run.” Have them steal a good amount of twelve packs and run out the door with them. Make sure that there’s no “good samaritan” customers out in the lot who will catch your friends and drag them back in the store. Pretend to be surprised, maybe run after them for a second. Then go to the phone and call the police’s non- emergency number and explain what happened. Give them incorrect information like they’re on foot (if they’re in a car) or they’re headed down a certain street when they’re really going the other way. The police will show up and you’ll have to fill out a report and that’s the end. After your shift is over, go to your friends’ house and get drunk.
64.A customer comes in and buys $10 worth of merchandise and leaves. Take their receipt and write it down on your paper work as an over-ring. (Like the cusomer didn’t have enough money and you had already rang it up.) Now there’s $10 in the register for you.
The managers know that all this stuff happens. They watch security tapes as much as they can be usually it’s hard to watch the entire thing. (Impossible if there’s only one manager doing it.) Break into the room with the monitors so you can look and see exactly what the cameras pick up so you’ll know what you’re up against. No matter how many cameras they have, though, there’s always several ways around it all. You could pause the tape from recording, go out and steal some money and then run back in and turn the tape back on. It would be very unlikely for anyone to notice this jump on the tape.
Each store I’ve worked at has a daily paper called a “frequency chart.” or something like that. This takes note of each shift, who was working, how much money they made, how many refunds there were, how many customers, etc, etc. Each day of the week has a different amount of business and this chart keeps track of all that. When the manager looks at the chart they may notice that when YOU work sales are down alot. This is because you’re stealing. If this continues every day only on your shift, the manager will start watching the security tapes of your shift a lot closer and start parking his car across the street to watch you. So don’t get greedy and you should be okay. If you can, break into the office and find this frequency chart to see how you’re doing. When they see oddities, they’ll sometimes highlight them and make notes.
When you’re caught stealing, you’ll be fired, that’s all. I’ve never seen a store try to take legal action because of employee theft even if they have it all on video tape. (Well, except for that time I looted the Wood River, IL 7-Eleven of about $4,000 in cash one night but I won’t get into THAT.) You just won’t be able to shop there anymore and you won’t be able to use them as a job reference. (Oh, darn.) So you don’t have to really fear getting caught unless you really need the job.
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